@Roxylifenot
voilà le final =) si tu as le temps de le lire, juste pour la cohérence finale par rapport à la notion, te fais pas suer à corriger les fautes
I'm going to talk about the notion of spaces and exchanges.
This notion deals with geographical and symbolic areas that all societies occupy and the interactions between people of varied societies
(this sentence is clumsy and would be hard to understand if you're saying it out loud). Our world is built on the exploration and conquest of new spaces. The different cultural, economic, sociological and language
(don't you mean linguistic?) interactions have shaped and characterized our modern-day world
(maybe saying "today's world" would clearer as the modern world is a specific historical term). Our environment is a vast cultural mosaic, crossed by traffic medias, people…
(and so on?) Louisiana is a great illustration of this matter
("matter" is not necessary, you can take it out. It also creates confusion because it's not exactly the right word) but we can wonder to what extent is Louisiana a place of exchanges
("a space for exchanges" might be better, what you wrote isn't quite english) and what kind
(kind of exchanges?, then "of what kind are they") are they?
Firstly, we will shows
(no "s") that Louisiana is a
physical exchange land in timeof disasters (this doesn't make sense) and then we will see that exchanges could be morals
(if you're trying to say that they are moral exchanges, there is no "s" for moral) with BP's intervention during the hurricane.
Immigration flows are the source of physical exchanges. Borders, which
("which" is used to later introduce another clause, here it isn't useful) are boundaries between two spaces and can be seen as an opening and
(do you mean "as an opening as more…"?) more countries welcome immigrants. In fact, human flows can take places,
(no "s" and no coma) in particular at the time of
("during" is better) catastrophes. In 2005, the hurricane Katrina touched particularly Louisiana the death toll reached over one thousand eight hundred people
(this needs rephrasing, maybe : "hurricane Katrine affected Louisiana in particular, as the death toll reached blabla). It was the largest hurricane in history. The Bush administration was appalling
(why is it appalling? This sounds like a personal opinion rather than an proper argument) and this is one of the poorest areas
(you need a coma here) inhabited by a mostly black population
(why is this relevant?). It also illustrates the notion of exchanges because Even if the government was ineffective, many Americans decided not to stand by and became involved. Some offered a
(not "a") shelter; others were willing to contribute to the cleaning or rebuilding effort
("efforts" -> cleaning + rebuilding, right?) and to help the population .These enterprising volunteers refused to let ordinary people fend for themselves. The inhabitants of New Orleans were sheltered
(maybe "housed" could be a good alternative?) by volunteers sometimes miles away from the city, often in neighboring states. White volunteers
(if racism is a big problem in Louisiana, you need to mention it, because the fact that they're white seems out of context) from other areas came in and worked alongside the victims and put aside their different
(differences).
Exchanges could be moral.
Influential people like
("such as" is a more academic version of "like") Brad Pitt arrived to help in the disaster
(he didn't help "in the disaster" he helped afterwards). BP is on one of the many building sites of his association Make It Right
("Make It Right" should be in italics or between inverted comas). Indeed, his determined and courageous action to make a difference in Louisiana has become well-known. It shows the community is stronger as a result of the catastrophe despite the fact that they did not receive sufficient aid at the time
(how does Brad Pitt's association show that the community is stronger?).
Not enough aid was being sent out to them and many people claimed that the lack of assistance received by the predominantly African-American community of New Orleans was linked to racial issues. But the association and volunteers are ready to struggle and stand by defenseless victims regardless of wealth, race or origin. The key values are dedication, will, love resilience, creativity, and solidarity. These values enable the victims to survive and face hardships.
Thus, Louisiana is a vast land of human exchanges, particularly during
(the hurricane) Katrina
(disaster) and internal migrations
were caused to come to their aid
(doesn't quite make sense).
But is it necessary that disasters occur so that men trade but above values are born?
(needs rephrasing, maybe : But are disasters necessary for men to achieve higher values?)
je suis une nouille pour m’exprimer... mais j'ai tenter tant bien que mal de me dépatouiller
pas très convaincante pour l'entretient je pense mais c'est pas difficulté
